What I'm Afraid Of

Sometimes I forget how scared I am.

Maybe all those fantasy books that I've read throughout my life has instilled this idea in me, but I've always considered courage as a very important trait to have. The heroes in those stories are always brave. Sometimes, I like to think that I'm brave, too. But now and then something comes up that reminds me that I'm definitely not.

I'll start with a rather amusing example of one of those situations.

It happened the other day when I was in the shower. I was taking a shower, doing the usual showery things, when at the corner of my eye I spotted something on the wall just a few inches from my face. A humungous spider.

Friends, I screamed. I screamed like a girl in a Alfred Hitchcock movie. Real brave of me. I can't really blamed for that one, though.

Spider Horror Stories aside, there's other things that I'm afraid of, too. Not the kind of fear that involves screaming and frantically fleeing the vicinity, but is very scary all the same.

The fact is: I really, really don't like being up in front of crowds. Doing a speech or presentation in front of a church or class sounds like the most terrifying thing to me. I'm not sure why exactly - there's no logical reason for it - but when I'm in those situations, my knees start shaking and I struggle to catch a breath. It terrifies me.

Usually, it's not a problem. I'm not often required to get up on a stage and give speeches or sing solos.

That is, except for recently.

Scary Thing #1: The other day, a lady in my church emailed me saying that she was organizing a ladies' chorale group to sing for our new church building's open day. She asked if I was interested. My first thought was:

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NO."

Me? Singing in front of my church? Ridiculous. Sure, there would be four or five other ladies singing with me, but still. No way.

I had a very polite decline all written out. My finger was hovering above the Send button, when all of a sudden a thought struck me. Why am I saying no? I like singing! It sounds fun! What's my problem? I realized there was only one reason.

Because I was too scared.

When I realized that, I couldn't bring myself to press that Send button. I knew it wouldn't be right.

That was when I found out that being brave is a choice.

Scary Thing #2: I'm going to be baptized this month, which I'm very happy about. One aspect has been worrying to me, though - and that's sharing my testimony in front of my church. Again, there's absolutely no reason to be scared. But I am. 

I think pushing myself to agree to do Scary Thing #1 has made it easier for me to choose to be brave about this one, too. I need to remember that this isn't about me at all. It's about obeying a principle found in God's Word, and sharing what He's done in my life. If I remember that, I think I'll be okay.

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”

II Timothy 1:7

It's not easy for me to admit to all these silly fears, but I'm realizing that being scared of things doesn't make me a coward. Everyone's scared of something. Giving into those fears is where the problem lies.

I'm not really sure what the point of all this is, but I just wanted to share with you guys something that's been going on lately, and what I'm learning through it.

love,

Hannah

P.S. VLOG UPDATE! I've filmed my Q&A vlog, and now I just need to edit it. It should be up pretty soon! :)