Friday, May 1, 2015

What I'm Afraid Of


Sometimes I forget how scared I am.

Maybe all those fantasy books that I've read throughout my life has instilled this idea in me, but I've always considered courage as a very important trait to have. The heroes in those stories are always brave. Sometimes, I like to think that I'm brave, too. But now and then something comes up that reminds me that I'm definitely not.

I'll start with a rather amusing example of one of those situations.

It happened the other day when I was in the shower. I was taking a shower, doing the usual showery things, when at the corner of my eye I spotted something on the wall just a few inches from my face. A humungous spider.

Friends, I screamed. I screamed like a girl in a Alfred Hitchcock movie. Real brave of me. I can't really blamed for that one, though.


Spider Horror Stories aside, there's other things that I'm afraid of, too. Not the kind of fear that involves screaming and frantically fleeing the vicinity, but is very scary all the same.

The fact is: I really, really don't like being up in front of crowds. Doing a speech or presentation in front of a church or class sounds like the most terrifying thing to me. I'm not sure why exactly - there's no logical reason for it - but when I'm in those situations, my knees start shaking and I struggle to catch a breath. It terrifies me.

Usually, it's not a problem. I'm not often required to get up on a stage and give speeches or sing solos.

That is, except for recently.

Scary Thing #1: The other day, a lady in my church emailed me saying that she was organizing a ladies' chorale group to sing for our new church building's open day. She asked if I was interested. My first thought was:

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NO."

Me? Singing in front of my church? Ridiculous. Sure, there would be four or five other ladies singing with me, but still. No way.

I had a very polite decline all written out. My finger was hovering above the Send button, when all of a sudden a thought struck me. Why am I saying no? I like singing! It sounds fun! What's my problem? I realized there was only one reason.

Because I was too scared.

When I realized that, I couldn't bring myself to press that Send button. I knew it wouldn't be right.

That was when I found out that being brave is a choice.

Scary Thing #2: I'm going to be baptized this month, which I'm very happy about. One aspect has been worrying to me, though - and that's sharing my testimony in front of my church. Again, there's absolutely no reason to be scared. But I am. 


I think pushing myself to agree to do Scary Thing #1 has made it easier for me to choose to be brave about this one, too. I need to remember that this isn't about me at all. It's about obeying a principle found in God's Word, and sharing what He's done in my life. If I remember that, I think I'll be okay.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.
II Timothy 1:7

It's not easy for me to admit to all these silly fears, but I'm realizing that being scared of things doesn't make me a coward. Everyone's scared of something. Giving into those fears is where the problem lies.

I'm not really sure what the point of all this is, but I just wanted to share with you guys something that's been going on lately, and what I'm learning through it.

love,
Hannah

P.S. VLOG UPDATE! I've filmed my Q&A vlog, and now I just need to edit it. It should be up pretty soon! :)

49 comments:

  1. This is great Hannah. It reminded me of one of my favorite quotes by Nelson Mandela:

    I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.

    There has never ever been anything wrong with being afraid; there is something wrong with letting that fear conquer you.

    The verse you quote is one of my favorites. The Lord is our Shepherd forever (Psalm 23). We don't have to do anything alone. We can do all things through Christ who empowers us (Phill 4;13).

    Congrats on your plants to be baptized. That is glorious!

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    1. Oooo, that's a great quote, Susanna! And thank you so much <3

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  2. I think you are brave. Well, courage is when you do something that you're afraid of, so that's cool about how you changed your mind about the choir. :) Your right about bravery being a choice; i remember being scared of confrontation, but ever since I decided to confront someone I've been a lot better. Good luck with the baptism!

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    1. Thank you for your kind words, Jo! :) It means a lot!

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  3. It is very hard to overcome fears to do things. I've been taking an annoying speech class this year, and while I'm fine with going up in front of people (it's a rather small class, so it's no big deal), I am terrified of messing up, of accidentally saying something embarrassing without meaning to. :P I'm sure you're going to have a blast singing in front of your church, and you'll be very happy you did it. :)

    Also I can't wait for your video!

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    1. You're right. It's the messing up part that's scary! Thank you so much, Hannah!

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  4. "Some believe that it is only great power that can hold evil in check. But that is not what I've found. I found that it is the small things. Everyday deeds by ordinary people that keep the darkness at bay." Gandalf.

    Go Hannah for facing your fears for Christ's glory!

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    1. Oh, and speaking of spiders and showers, I took a shower the other day to find a tiny spider on my towel.

      I got a new towel.

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    2. YES to epic Gandalf quotes. NO to spiders :( Thanks for commenting, Hannah!

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  5. If it involves people...IT IS TERRIFYING. I just, gah, no. I nearly died when I gave my testimony before getting baptised, i'M NOT EVEN KIDDING. NEARLY DIED. I think I whispered it, also, and ya know...it was a complete waste since probs no one heard it. HHAA. *cries* People are terrifying for some reason. And spiders? I found a spider in the shower once. A GARGANTUAN HUNTSMAN. I killed it with a shampoo bottle. Then I had a breakdown.

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  6. Everyone, no matter how old they are, has fears. It's not wrong to have fears. It's how we choose to deal with them.
    Great post, and good job on facing those fears!
    ~Kathryn

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  7. This is such a beautifully written post Hannah - thank you for taking the time to share this. ♥ It's really impressive and inspiring to read about how you dealt with your own fears, and I'm going to make myself a resolution and try to follow in your footsteps to try do the same. (Which basically involves overcoming my hatred of spiders. #DaughterOfAthenaProbs xD) Again, thanks for sharing this!

    ~ Zoe @ Stories on Stage

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    1. Wow, I'm so glad you found this inspiring, Zoe. Thanks for saying that :)

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  8. Thank you for sharing this. I have struggled with fear my whole life. I mean, fear that made me unable to get out of bed for weeks at a time kind of fear. Phobia fear. And it started to take over my life for a while. and Ive been thinking about that a lot lately, and its something I hate talking about; I fear talking about my fear. but lately God has been asking my to share my story. and this kinda reminded me that I gotta do that.

    I love that you said being brave is a choice. that just blew my mind.

    but enough about me; YAY YOU'RE GETTING BAPTIZED!!! I got baptized and its seriously the greatest feeling in the world. Yes, its terrifying. but its SO worth it! You're gonna do great! and congrats on standing up to your fear and showing it who the boss is. you're awesome

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    1. You're awesome, faith! And very brave. Thanks for these kind words <3

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  9. Can I just say "I UNDERSTAND" a hundred times over? This whole post speaks to me.

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  10. There is not really much I am afraid of, but there are some things I am sacred of. Like talking to whole bunch of people. I have to do that though sometimes because I have a seed company.

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    1. Yeah, that's scary to me, too. It can be intimidating sometimes!

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  11. Singing in front of people is such a hard task. Fear, itself, has stopped many people, but do not be afraid!

    xoxo Morning

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  12. Can I just start by saying that once when I was reading I looked down and found a big hairy spider sitting ON MY SHORTS and I screamed so loud that you could hear it all the way outside, tried to pull my shorts off with my one free hand (because I wasn't about to drop the book!), burst into tears, and caused my mom to sprint into the living room carrying a huge knife (she'd been in the middle of chopping carrots at the time.) And then I cried for like five minutes and my dog ate the spider because he's very helpful like that and Mum couldn't finish chopping carrots because her hands were shaking too much. So, in summary, spiders are scary. Also I'm a very irrational person and didn't think to simply hit the spider with my book and carry on reading. But I digress.
    Seriously, though, I loved the honesty of this post. <3 I'm sure you will sing beautifully - you'll have to let us know how it goes! (and your testimony, too. You can do it!!)

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    1. SPIDERS ARE A BIG NO. I'm so glad that you survived that encounter :D And thank you so much for the encouragement, Olivia!

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  13. Congratulations on facing your fears! It takes a great deal of courage, something I wish I had more of. This really inspires me to be more brave. And I'm sure you will sing beautifully. Singing in front of people scares me too, but I've found that most people are incredibly supportive and appreciative when you share your voice, if that makes sense. (-: Anyhow, best of luck, and thank you for sharing this!

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    1. Thanks for the kind words and encouragement, Elizabeth!

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  14. When I got baptized at the age of 10, I had to give my testimony in front of a 400 person church. I hate talking in front of people. Preforming I'm fine, but talking? No thanks.
    Here's the crazy part: I got up to do it, and I did it. With no fear whatsoever. I still wonder about it to this very day, but I truly believe that because I was doing something for Christ, the Holy Spirit comforted me and gave me the courage to go ahead and do it. If you're primary focus is on serving Christ, then all other fears will be diminished. Maybe not completely, but you'll definitely have the courage to do it :)

    Molly Marie
    mollyslittlecorner.blogspot.com

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    1. That's so awesome. And very encouraging. Thank you, Molly!

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  15. No, you can't be blamed for the spider thing. I *cannot* stand spiders. Sometimes, I can't even read parts of books that mention spiders. *Shudders.*

    Yeah, speaking in front of people has always been an ordeal for me. Glad you're braver than I am. :-)

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    1. I'm not sure why spiders are so creepy, but they SO are. I'm not so brave, but I'm trying!

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    2. Haha, the second part my comment has nothing to do with the first part. Two separate thoughts. Awkward.

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  16. Spiders are terrifying. This is fact.

    I totally get the speaking in front of people thing. When I was younger I was super-confident, but over the past few years that's all gone away; I guess that's what being a teenager does to you! A verse I try to remember is the classic Matthew 28v20: "behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age."

    This is the first time I've discovered your blog but I am a new follower! Thanks for sharing this post :)

    Emily x

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    1. That's such an awesome verse, Emily. Thanks for sharing! And thank you so much for checking out my blog!

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  17. I often rescue spiders from the shower, though they’re really only daddy long legs- if it were a huntsman or something huge and furry then I imagine I would jump out very quickly and resume my shower duties once it was tactfully removed. I’m gonna start having to do shower checks now, Hannah!

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    1. I'm so sorry to scare you with my shower story! Agh. I check the shower now, too. :(

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  18. Dear Hannah,

    This is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I can relate so much to this post. "Everyone's scared of something. Giving into those fears is where the problem lies." < GAH so much true. I'm so happy for you, conquering your fear of singing on stage. It's just such a beautiful, victorious feeling when we can break through and do the things that lie right outside our comfort zones. I haven't experienced that feeling a lot, but I have a little bit and I hope to experience it more in the future. (: I'm sure I would have screamed at the spider in the shower too, but even more so if it was a caterpillar. (Which YES, is totally 800 times more ridiculous -- but I'm deathly afraid of caterpillars.) I find myself feeling petty fear a lot and God's word always comforts me, too. <3 As an aside, I can't wait to see your vlog! Keep at the awesomeness.

    love,
    beezee

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    1. Beezee! Thank you so much for this sweet note. You're awesome.

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  19. Thank you for sharing this, Hannah! I completely understand...about the spiders and talking in front of lots of people...and the spiders...

    "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” This verse has been such a comfort to me. God is so good. =)

    I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOUR VLOG!!!

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    1. Isn't that verse just amazing? It's just the thing to remember when facing scary things :) Thanks for commenting, dear! So so glad you're excited about the vlog! :D

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  20. one) I love reading all the above comments and spider horror stories. Talk about traumatic experiences. two) Every time I visit your blog I fall in love with your header all over again. three) Gahh I get a nasty cold gut feeling just thinking about public speaking. ugh. It's so illogical. But I guess pretty much all fear is, except the kind that's like animal instinct and just keeps you safe. Ugh, though. Sometimes I feel like such a weeny, but you're right; being afraid doesn't make you a coward, everyone has fears. I guess it's acting on fear that's cowardly and choosing to be brave that's courageous. I love how you said being brave is a choice. I worry way too much and fear things I've no reason to. In a non-weird way I'm proud of you for accepting that invitation to sing. You rock. I'm going to remember this next time I'm asked to do something that creeps me. I wouldn't wish that cold gut feeling on anyone, but knowing people who feel the same way as I do about doing stuff in front of crowds and who do the stuff anyway is encouraging. ("do the stuff" ha.) So thanks for sharing. Ooo, and because I love quotes, here are two you might like: All you need is twenty seconds of insane courage and I promise you something great will come of it (from We Bought a Zoo), and Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:6) You're awesome.

    xox

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    1. Looking forward to your vlog. :D

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    2. Yes yes yes to what you said, Sarah! I relate entirely. Thanks so much for this kind message. And oh oh, I love that quote from We Bought a Zoo.

      P. S. NO...*You* are awesome!

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  21. Oh, girl, I'm right there with you!! Spi--yikers!! :P But I do sing in front of people a great deal... To be honest, I still get scared a lot. After a while though, its not a 'HUMONGOUS, FREEZE-IN-YOUR-TRACKS' kinda fear; it does get easier to face. (As a matter of fact, I'm singing a solo on Mother's Day at church!! Woo-hoo! lol!) So don't turn it down just because it seems scary. After it's over with, you'll be glad you did it! <3

    Congrats on being Baptized!! It's a big day! :)

    Annnnnddd.... I am pumped about the Vlog! (Just saying...)

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    1. Wow, that's awesome that you are singing a solo soon! I'm glad to hear that it gets easier.

      Thanks so much, Hannah!! <3

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  22. I was just thinking this morning about dealing with some of my own fears,it had been weighing heavy on my heart, and then I open my laptop and find your post. Hannah, this spoke to me so much, and I think its amazing and brave of you to share about this and your journey through it with the Lord guiding you. You're a truly inspiring lady, you know that? I needed this today!

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    1. I'm so glad! Thanks so much for leaving this note <3 You are TOO lovely, Katie!

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